Before They Eat Us, Robots Will Carve Us Up Like Christmas Hams

Having learned recently that the coming foodie robot apocalypse will see humanity not only overthrown, but eaten and judged on the flavor of our meat by ‘bots designed to taste food, there are few surprises left in my life with regard to where food culture and innovation meet industrial robotics.

Image credit: Declan Shalvey

I won’t question the wisdom of such interests converging.  I’ll just let the above video speak for itself as proof that Futurama got it right (although whether the ham boning robot will share Roberto’s penchant for exclamations like “ha-HAH! AH! aHA!” with each victim dispatched remains to be seen).  Either way, welcome to the end of days.  That icy feeling inching up the back of your neck is the steel fist of our robot oppressors closing around your warm, fragile throat.

Presented here for your underwear-soiling, nightmare-inducing terror, is a robot that can bone a ham. With a knife.  At twice the speed of a pair of human hands.

Go on. Click “Play.” Watch this thing, said to be capable of performing at a rate of 500 hph (hams per hour, natch) go to work with its knife and its circular sawblades, and try not to 01100011 01110010 01100001 01110000 not just your own pants, but those of everyone within a ten-foot radius of you.  Watch it and try not to wonder what your toaster is really thinking the next time you find yourself alone in your kitchen with it.

Given that it wasn’t so long ago that I brought you news of a robot having declared that human flesh tastes like bacon, is it any wonder that it’s a ham upon which this machine demonstrates its meat-carving badassery?  Does it not, on the contrary, serve us as cautionary tale, as empirical proof that our metal-skinned soon-to-be overlords have mastered the art of the metaphor as well as ham-slicing and flavor detection?  Take heed: the ‘bots have dropped all pretense. They are no longer even bothering to conceal their true intentions toward us.

Consider yourself warned.

(and yes, that’s my way of saying that I consider the implications of the above video demonstration for future food industry processing to be pretty flippin’ impressive.)

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